Two dads and a couple of kids through adoption [USA]

How children’s author Tom Tracy and his husband made their family through adoption.

Welcome to our first two-dad-family story. For this story, I spoke with children’s author Tom Tracy about how he and his husband, Elliott, made their family through adoption. If you’re thinking about making your family in a similar way, I hope you find this story inspiring, and Tom’s tips and the linked resources at the end helpful.

Your story

If you’re LGBT or Q and have made your family, your story could really help someone. Imagine going back to the you when your journey first started and telling yourself what you needed to hear back then. Here’s your opportunity to do just that for someone else. Send an email to sarah@makeafamily.co.uk to let me know that you would like to tell your story.

Tom’s family

Tom and Elliott are both cis men and gay. They have been together for 14 years and married for eight of those. They have two daughters – Alice Catherine (who is nearly six) and Micah (who has just turned one). Alice Catherine is the muse for Scoochie, the main character in Tom’s award-winning Scoochie and Skiddles children’s book series. The girls call Elliott ‘Daddy’ and Tom ‘Odie’, derived from ‘O’ther and ‘D’addy.

Do you know someone who is thinking about making a family in a similar way? This post is public, so feel free to share it.

How Tom and Elliott made their family

The short answer is that Tom and Elliott fell in love, got married, and welcomed their two daughters through private domestic open adoption in the US.

Why they did it that way

When Tom and Elliott decided the time was right to make their family, they first investigated surrogacy. When looking into the process, they considered a technique where both their sperm would be mixed before fertilizing eggs using IVF technology. One of the resulting embryos would be selected at random for transfer to the uterus of a gestational carrier. This would mean that the identity of the genetic father could only be discovered through a DNA test. As Tom and Elliott talked through this option, they realized that “it wasn’t important for us to have genetic offspring. It was more important for us to be good parents to children who needed good parents.” Tom continued, “there are so many children in the system who need good parents and we were fortunate enough to have the capacity to give and to love despite not having a genetic connection.”

Tom and Elliott subsequently decided that, apart from the expense of surrogacy, “it was a level of complication that for us seemed unnecessary.” Now, five years on from adopting their first daughter, Tom comments “there’s no difference in the love that you give. Every means of becoming a family is valuable and special, and it just has to be right for the family that wants to become the family … If [a genetic connection] is important to people, then that is the right thing for them to pursue.”

Both adoption experiences were very positive for Tom and Elliott, with no disruptions (where something interrupts the adoption process, like one or the other party having second thoughts), and Tom and Elliott brought both their daughters home from the hospital when they were born.

Tom and I went on to talk about the type of adoption they pursued, namely private domestic open adoption.

‘Private’ adoption

Private adoptions in the US can be made through an adoption agency that is regulated by the state, or between individuals. In agency adoptions, the agency looks after the person carrying the baby throughout their pregnancy and connects them to the prospective adoptive family. This is the route that Tom and Elliott took.

In adoptions between individuals, the prospective family finds a person who is pregnant and wants their baby to be adopted. An attorney is asked to draw up the relevant legal paperwork and the adoption is made.

‘Domestic’ adoption

A domestic adoption simply means that the baby is adopted in the same country where they are born. The alternative is an international adoption.

‘Open’ adoption

An open adoption is where there is some form of dialogue between the birth and adoptive families throughout the child’s life. The person who gave birth to the baby is in the driver’s seat and will determine what form the contact takes, for example email, Zoom calls, face-to-face meetings, and so on.

Tom and Elliott have some level of communication with both the people who gave birth to their daughters. Tom explained why they chose open adoption, “Closed adoptions create more trauma for the child and [are] less helpful emotionally.” Tom went on to explain that US adoption law – though still variable across states – has moved towards supporting open rather than closed adoptions. Tom comments “Adult children had a hard time previously accessing that part of who they are, that part of their identity” and speaks in support of the recent passing of laws that make it easier for adult adopted children to unseal their original birth certificates when they reach 18 years of age. Their original birth certificate shows their birth parent(s) name(s), enabling the adult child to search for their birth parent(s) if earlier contact hasn’t been successful.

Tom also touched on another type of adoption – via the child welfare system. This is when an adoptive family welcomes a child who has been removed from or is not able to return to, their birth family for whatever reason. In many cases, these children are first fostered and later adopted. Tom and Elliott fostered children during the five years between their first and second daughters’ adoptions.

Tom and I didn’t discuss the remaining types of adoptions in the US, namely kinship adoption (which is adoption by a relative) and adult adoption.

Tom’s tips

Have patience

Tom’s number one tip for anyone pursuing adoption is to have patience. Ever since getting married, Tom and Elliott would have “a conversation around is this the year that we pursue children?” Tom continues, “but just because you’re ready as a couple, doesn’t mean the universe is ready.” Their first adoption went quickly, but the second took much longer. They were finally matched with a birth parent some 18 months after signing on with an agency, and then it took nearly a year to finalize the adoption – making the whole process 2.5 years from beginning to end.

It’s okay to say no

During the adoption process, prospective parents need to talk about their exclusion criteria. In other words, which babies they are and are not willing to accept. Tom describes how this process “forced us to become very aware of our own biases and that was uncomfortable because we both consider ourselves pretty progressive.” As a licensed social worker who had already confronted many of his own biases, Tom was surprised to realize that he still held subconscious biases.

Tom advises prospective adoptive parents, “If you’re not ready to receive a drug addicted baby, if you’re not ready to receive a baby of a different race or ethnicity than you, then you definitely should say no, because if you’re not ready it’s going to affect that child’s life too. It’s okay to say no … and to give yourself some grace … You’re not being judgmental. It’s just that you’re not ready and that you have to make the right decisions for you as a parent and for you as a family.”

Realize that not everyone involved is where you are

Tom explains, “Sometimes, despite an adoptive parent’s best attempts to keep [communication with the birth parent] open, communication closes… Just because you are willing to continue to share and keep this communication open, it doesn’t mean the other person is where you are.” Communication with both their daughters’ birth parents dropped off and Tom described the realization that “it wasn’t about us. It was just where she was in this moment in her life. It could be that a constant reminder is too painful. It could be that she just wants to passively receive but doesn’t wish to continue to communicate. That’s not our reason to know. It’s just our responsibility to uphold our commitment. [It is important to recognize] that other people are also going through their own process and to appreciate wherever they may be.”

Useful resources

The following resources will be most useful to you if you live in the US. There is a useful link for UK residents at the end.

The Human Rights Campaign

The Human Rights Campaign is a very large, powerful advocacy group that supports the LGBTQ community. It lists foster and adoption agencies that demonstrate through their policies and practices that they are LGBTQ friendly.

Gay Parent Magazine

Gay Parent Magazine has an online directory of attorneys and agencies for fostering, adoption and surrogacy, which are LGBTQ friendly. Tom recommended this as a particularly useful resources during what is “a confusing and emotionally intense time”.

Gays with kids

Gays with Kids is an organisation that Tom is involved with, which supports gay, bi and trans men through their family making journey.

Tom’s books

Tom has written award-winning children’s books that celebrate family diversity. You can find out more about his books on his website or buy Scoochie and Skiddles Adoption Story on Amazon.

If you live in the UK

Adoption law, policies and processes are different in the UK than the US. If you live in the UK and want to find out more about adoption, a good place to start is the Child adoption: Overview - GOV.UK (www.gov.uk) page on the gov.uk website. UK legislation has supported LGBTQ adoption since 2010. The UK is a leader in LBGTQ adoption with around 1 in 6 adoptions in England in 2020 to same-sex couples. Adoptions by single people are also supported.