Two (older) mums and a baby through IVF [UK]
How my wife and I made our family in our 40’s through embryo donation IVF.
Welcome to our first story. This one is about how we made our two-mum-plus-baby family through embryo donation IVF when we were both in our 40’s. If you’re thinking about making your family in a similar way, I hope you find our tips and the linked resources near the end helpful. (There’s also a glossary right at the end, which explains some of the more technical terms and acronyms.)
Your story
If you’re LGBT or Q and have made your family, your story could really help someone. Imagine going back to the you when your journey started and telling yourself what you needed to hear back then. Here’s your opportunity to do just that for someone else. Send an email to sarah@makeafamily.co.uk to let me know that you’d like to tell your story.
Our family
Hi. I’m Sarah, my wife is Shiao, and our son is Jason. We’re a two-mom family with a pretty laid back toddler (as toddlers go). My wife and I are both cis women and lesbian.
Do you know someone who is thinking about making a family in a similar way? This post is public, so feel free to share it.
How we made our family
The short answer is that we met on Tinder (and then again on Bumble), I became pregnant through embryo donation abroad, and we had a shot-gun wedding two months before Jason was born.
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Why we did it that way
By the time we met, Shiao and I were in our 40’s and both our sets of ovaries had reached their best before dates. We had both wanted a two-parents-plus-kids family for as long as we could remember, but life hadn’t worked out that way.
I civilly partnered my ex-civil partner at age 29, imagining we’d have kids a few years down the line. She changed her mind and I packed my hopes away as my fertile 30’s slipped by. Just as I entered my 40’s, she ended our partnership.
Shiao is from a country where being gay is punishable by flogging or around ten years in prison. That sort of thing really gets in the way of family making. Shiao came to the UK to study for her MBA, took the opportunity to date openly, and that’s when we met.
Shiao didn’t particularly want to be pregnant and felt positive about both adoption and having a child through partner pregnancy. I had always wanted to experience pregnancy, and adoption wasn’t my first choice. So, deciding how to make our family, including who would carry, was straightforward for us.
I wanted to find out as much as I could about my chances of getting and staying pregnant before deciding how to try. An ultrasound of my uterus showed up an adenomyoma, and an Anti-TPO blood test confirmed that I had autoimmune thyroiditis. These things, combined with my age, made it very unlikely that I’d get pregnant with my own eggs (even with IVF) and highly likely that I’d miscarry if I did get pregnant (even with embryo genetic testing). For us, the solution was using donor eggs as well as sperm, and a tailored medicated FET cycle preceded by six months of dietary changes, supplements and acupuncture. We opted for embryo donation with donor gametes. We both felt confident and comfortable with this approach and chose not to have fertility counselling. We got lucky and Jason was the result of our first try.
We recently tried again for a sibling, but luck wasn’t on our side. After taking stock, we decided we’re one-and-done and Jason will be an only child.
And the shot-gun wedding? Marrying before Jason’s birth meant Shiao’s name could be on his birth certificate without us having to navigate convoluted legal paperwork. The process for dissolving my civil partnership had got off to a slow start, and then dragged on interminably before lurching into the pandemic and coming to an almost complete stop as the courts shut down. When the final dissolution order eventually came through, Covid had put a halt to weddings, and the soonest we could dance down the isle (and we did, literally) was two months before Jason’s birth. I revelled in a red bodycon dress and giant baby bump.
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My tips
Marry the right person. Nothing can compensate for the longing for children, so make damn sure you feel as strongly as each other about it.
If you want kids, don’t hang about. It can be a long journey, time does run out, so get cracking. NHS help stops by 42 at the latest, and that’s if your lCB supports LGBTQ fertility in the first place.
Consider and plan for the implications of donor conception. It is important to feel confident in your choice for your child’s sake.
Don’t assume both your names can be on the birth certificate. The legal stuff can get complicated, so research your situation before trying to conceive.
If you’re planning to carry the baby, empower yourself by getting thoroughly checked out before deciding how to get pregnant. We could have spent years enduring disappointment and haemorrhaging money had we not been realistic about egg quality after 40 and discovered my fertility issues right at the the start.
If you’ll be taking hormones, invest time to learn mindfulness skills. I wish I’d been prepared before the pills made me cry when my wife asked if I’d brushed my teeth (I kid you not).
Consider using a clinic abroad. Our clinic (Instituto Bernabeu in Spain) specialises in egg donation and LGBTQ fertility. The care we received was outstanding and affordable.
Do you know someone who is thinking about making a family in a similar way? This post is public, so feel free to share it.
Useful resources
These are some of the resources we found useful along the way. I hope you find them useful too.
The Donor Conception Network
The Donor Conception Network is an invaluable resource for parents using donor gametes to conceive. It is UK-centric, so you may need to do further research if you have treatment abroad. This link takes you to their page for two-mum families considering donor conception https://www.dcnetwork.org/who-are-you/female-same-sex-couple
Fertility counselling
Many people find fertility counselling a helpful support emotionally and when making the big decisions associated with fertility treatment. BICA members have specialist training in fertility counselling. Look for one with experience counselling LGBTQ parents-to-be. https://www.bica.net
Legal aspects of same-sex parenting
This link will take you to the basics of the legal aspects of same-sex parenting in the UK (scroll to the bottom). If your situation isn’t reflected here, talk to a family lawyer with experience in same-sex parenting law before trying to conceive. https://www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities/who-has-parental-responsibility
IVF on the NHS
Whether IVF and other assisted reproductive techniques (ART) are available to you on the NHS will depend on the ICB that makes the rules for where you live, so you will need to start with a conversation with your GP. The most you can hope for on the NHS is outlined on this page: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/ivf/availability/
Fertility clinics abroad
This website is a great starting place if you are considering having your treatment abroad. Note that some countries (such as the Czech Republic) have wonderful clinics, but are unable to offer treatment to LGBTQ people because of local laws. If a clinic supports and welcomes LGBTQ patients, they usually imply or say this on their website. https://www.fertilityclinicsabroad.com
Our clinic
Instituto Bernabeu is where we had our treatment. We were very happy with our experience, so I’ve included a link to their website here. They are by no means the only outstanding LGBTQ-friendly clinic out there, so do look at others too. https://www.institutobernabeu.com/en/
Mindfulness
Mental health charity Mind provides a good starting point if you’re interested in learning mindfulness skills (something I wish I’d done before popping my first hormone pill!) https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/drugs-and-treatments/mindfulness/how-to-learn-mindfulness/
Glossary
Adenomyosis: Tissue that normally lines the uterus grows into the muscular wall of the uterus. Adenomyosis can make it more difficult for an embryo to ‘stick’ (implant), and may also increase the risk of early miscarriage.
Anti-TPO: The antibodies that attack the thyroid in autoimmune thyroiditis and some other thyroid disorders.
Autoimmune thyroiditis: The body attacks the thyroid gland. Autoimmune thyroiditis is fairly common in people assigned female at birth. It is associated with a higher risk of early and late miscarriage.
Embryo donation (sometimes called embryo adoption): A person or couple make more embryos than they need through IVF and choose to donate the remaining embryos to others
Embryo donation using donor gametes: Eggs and sperm from donors are used to make embryos for another person or couple, and that person or couple later donate some of the embryos
Embryo genetic testing: Tests that are performed on embryos to determine if they are likely to result in a healthy pregnancy. These tests can also be used to reduce the risk of some birth defects.
FET: FET stands for frozen embryo transfer. It is when a frozen embryo is thawed and placed into the uterus. The timing of the transfer is either controlled with medication (medicated FET) or determined by what the uterine lining looks like on ultrasound (unmedicated or natural cycle FET)
ICB: An Integrated Care Board dictates what treatments can be made available on the NHS in your area. You can find yours via this link: https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/find-your-local-integrated-care-board/